On “Not Quitting Nano”

How not to let the weight of expectation crush your creativity,..

By Kel Butler

NaNoWriMo has begun, we are 1 week in and in my head I am already having to stop the self talk that tells me “I’m failing,” “I cannot do this,” “who am I kidding,” “may as well give up now”.

 Why is my self talk such a big fight so early into the Nanowrimo challenge? Because of the huge weight of expectation I put on myself all of the time, especially when I write or set creative goals or enter into something like this.

 I used to set completely unrealistic goals (almost like I was setting myself up to fail and I probably was) but I have learnt to make my goals more manageable over the years, more realistic. So I set doable goals now and I try to remain flexible with them BUT if I start not to meet those goals for whatever reason, then the weight of expectation starts to settle on my brain and the negative self talk sneaks in. The more often I don’t meet my goals, that greater that weight becomes and the more negative my self talk is, until it eventually crushes me and I either give up completely or have to stop and regroup.

 I become a self fulfilling prophecy of failure and giving up, which then allows me to indulge in paralysing self loathing and pity over the very failings I created in the first place. Bananas right? To the less anxious in life it seems like a pretty easy fix - just don’t take it all so seriously. But for people who navigate through life with anxiety, fear or depression as a backseat driver, that easy fix can feel like the hardest thing of all.

This year I went into Nano with a goal of 2000 words a day. In the first week I have reached that goal once. I am averaging 1000 words a day and there is already a day I haven’t written a thing. The reasons behind why don’t matter because life gets in the way all of the time, with all things. Whether you have kids or not, life gets in the way and it is up to us to manage ourselves when that happens, not use the circumstances of our life as excuses for quitting the very things that fuel us and make us whole.

 For me the weight starts as a low lying panic, a rapid beat of the heart every time my mind wanders to the words I haven’t written or am yet to write. Then it turns into a procrastination which means I continue the cycle of letting myself down, when really I should just put my bum in the seat and write something. Then that cycle of let down translates into avoidance and eventually giving up. But giving up never feels good, it doesn’t serve your sense of self worth on any level and it puts fear and anxiety firmly in the drivers seat of your mind and emotions (thank you Elizabeth Gilbert for the driving metaphor).

So the trick is no matter what don’t give up.

 I used to give up all the time out of fear. I gave up jobs, activities, projects, relationships (platonic and not) and a business with all the potential in the world because I was too scared of not meeting expectations. So I blew everything up and hid. I hid for years. It is easy to hide when you are dealing with babies and toddlers and life with kids. When I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) though, I started to understand myself more and I realised how much of my life and choices were unconscious and driven by fear. From then on I resolved to learn how to manage it - how to take control of the wheel and take back control of the car.

 It started with my first Nanowrimo a couple of years ago actually. Pam helped me through that one too. We hadn’t come up with Writes4Women yet and the whole idea of writing a book was brand new to me. I knew the goal was to write 1700 words a day. I wasn’t working at the time, my youngest was still at home and I had set myself massive goals.

 I started strong straight out of the gate smashing out the words - probably too strong like a sprinter running a marathon. Then things came up like kids getting sick, school stuff and relationship woes. A day got missed here and there and I wasn’t able to hit my word count. I saw the line on the graph drop further and further below my expected progress and the weight started to descend, I felt the suffocating shroud of panic choke me and avoidance set in. All I had to do was find that convenient excuse to quit and I could add this to the long line of things I had never completed.

 Not this time.

This time I had the knowledge, the support and the tools. This time I was conscious. This time quitting was not an option. So instead of quitting I chose to stop being so hard on myself. I meditated and wrote what I could on the days that I could write. I used yoga and box breathing to calm the sense of panic and exercised to release the anxious energy. I even burned essential oils and played certain music based on the feeling I wanted to generate within myself. But most importantly I was conscious of everything that was happening in me for the first time ever. I observed it rather than letting it consume me and I was able to take control of the wheel.

Instead of hating on myself for every word or day I didn’t write, I celebrated every word I did. Instead of looking towards the finish line, I stopped focussing on it at all and chose to focus on every word as it hit the page. Instead of focussing on what a failure everyone must think I am for not making my goals, I chose to focus on how proud I would be of myself if I just didn’t quit. So I didn’t and I managed to finish that year’s Nanowrimo with 35,000 words of a manuscript on the page and a growing sense of self worth that has gotten stronger and brighter every single day since and I have never quit again. I fail all the time in things but I don’t quit them. I see them through to the end, whether it be where I anticipated or not. Now I embrace failing as a positive, see it as an opportunity to learn and I love myself for having tried in the first place.

 So this year, one week into Nano, having not reached my goals most days, having already ditched a day for other work, I am choosing not to let that heavy blanket of expectation settle in at all. I am choosing to consciously remember that any word is a good word and just get it on the page. If I end up with 50,000 or 15,000 words it doesn’t matter, at least I wrote something and I never gave up. Because when we keep giving up like that, when we let fear and disappointment and self loathing win, we are not giving up on a task or a dream or a book or whatever it is, what we are really giving up on is ourselves.

This Nano choose not to give up on yourself and celebrate every word you do write no matter how many or few they may be. This Nano choose you and your story. I am. Let’s do it together.